Everyday, I miss my mother.

I remember as clear as day the darkest day of my life.. She told me to go and call my father and by the time I returned she wasn't alive. My world my universe. Heaven had separated me from my source of life and love. My tears caused and wiped away by memories of her. Her smile and her gentle nature. She bought me ice cream everyday on her way from work. Thousands of cigarettes later not only have I become lactose intolerant , I've distanced myself from any emotion that is a reflection of what she gave me. So the world saw what I became but no-one noticed what had made me, me. She named me Ashwyn which is Star,as if she knew that she would reside in the heavens and being her little star would be the only way we would stay connected. Before my birth, she had a miscarriage , after me, she lost a child within two months, I was her only one . Was my life tailored this way so that I wouldn't be able to share the pain  I feel everyday , that I couldn't look at a brother or sister who could atleast be an earthly reminder that she was here whenever I  looked in their eyes. Or was it a sign from God that I was meant for a greater purpose? I don't have the answers, and I'm not afraid to be wrong.I don't need to be right when I know that iv been destined to be alone away from her  away from myself just an instrument to be played by the world so that people can smile when  they hear me, so that I can bring happiness to their souls when  they see me perform. The stage has been my home, all I've ever wanted is to know that after the applause  , I can walk backstage and find her waiting to hug me tight and tell me she is proud of me..